Monthly Archives: June 2007

Condemning Confession

I must confess something that has been steadily becoming true in my thoughts. When I admit this my life could forever be changed. People who care about me may no longer speak to me. Those who have trusted me may turn their backs on me. I may never ever be able to return home as my family shuns me. Let me then share with you what I must make known. I hate Houston and people in Texas are not very nice. Take a moment and let that sink in. Let me be clear, there is great Tex-Mex food in Dallas, but Texas as a whole is a hole. Houston ought to really be called Sam’s Inferno (named after Sam Houston aka The Raven). For 6 months out of the year the relative humidity percentage is over 90%. Compare that to Kansas City maxing out in August at 86% and Kansas City can be fairly humid. Las Vegas for instance maxes out at 53% and is usually in the 20s and hell is only over 90% 5 months out of the year (joke).
Before our recent visit to Houston I told Laura it was just as hot and humid in Kansas as it is in Houston. While in Houston I was forced to recant those statements as I sat at a picnic table in a park for ten minutes reading a book and soaking in my own sweat as though it had been poring down rain. The only way to have any sense of being clean is to give up showering and accept sweat as the “normal” condition of the human body.
We also found that people in the Midwest are generally nicer than those in Texas. Learning this is similar to the feeling when my brothers told me Santa did not exist. An initial disbelief followed by a sad understanding and then frustration at your parents for telling you this lie for so long. I’ve been told that people in Texas are the nicest on the planet, but now I know that you can only believe this if the only other people you’ve met are from New York. Waiters are rude, strangers can be rude, etc. The only exception to this is on the campus of the gem of Texas, A&M of course. All this to say I admit that Kansas is a better place to live. Less traffic, good BBQ (especially burnt ends), less humidity, friendly people, less arrogance, etc.
Now for those of you who are my Texas friends I understand if we never talk again, I’ve been shown the truth and I must be shunned for it and really I wouldn’t expect anything else from our Texas attitude. Now I’m going to go outside and get my mail and when I get back I will have accomplished an impossible feat in Houston, I won’t be soaking in my own sweat.

Below is what a person typically looks like walking around Houston.



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