Condemning Confession

I must confess something that has been steadily becoming true in my thoughts. When I admit this my life could forever be changed. People who care about me may no longer speak to me. Those who have trusted me may turn their backs on me. I may never ever be able to return home as my family shuns me. Let me then share with you what I must make known. I hate Houston and people in Texas are not very nice. Take a moment and let that sink in. Let me be clear, there is great Tex-Mex food in Dallas, but Texas as a whole is a hole. Houston ought to really be called Sam’s Inferno (named after Sam Houston aka The Raven). For 6 months out of the year the relative humidity percentage is over 90%. Compare that to Kansas City maxing out in August at 86% and Kansas City can be fairly humid. Las Vegas for instance maxes out at 53% and is usually in the 20s and hell is only over 90% 5 months out of the year (joke).
Before our recent visit to Houston I told Laura it was just as hot and humid in Kansas as it is in Houston. While in Houston I was forced to recant those statements as I sat at a picnic table in a park for ten minutes reading a book and soaking in my own sweat as though it had been poring down rain. The only way to have any sense of being clean is to give up showering and accept sweat as the “normal” condition of the human body.
We also found that people in the Midwest are generally nicer than those in Texas. Learning this is similar to the feeling when my brothers told me Santa did not exist. An initial disbelief followed by a sad understanding and then frustration at your parents for telling you this lie for so long. I’ve been told that people in Texas are the nicest on the planet, but now I know that you can only believe this if the only other people you’ve met are from New York. Waiters are rude, strangers can be rude, etc. The only exception to this is on the campus of the gem of Texas, A&M of course. All this to say I admit that Kansas is a better place to live. Less traffic, good BBQ (especially burnt ends), less humidity, friendly people, less arrogance, etc.
Now for those of you who are my Texas friends I understand if we never talk again, I’ve been shown the truth and I must be shunned for it and really I wouldn’t expect anything else from our Texas attitude. Now I’m going to go outside and get my mail and when I get back I will have accomplished an impossible feat in Houston, I won’t be soaking in my own sweat.

Below is what a person typically looks like walking around Houston.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Condemning Confession

  1. GUNNY

    Glad to hear you’ve come around on Planet Houston, for it is the worst.

    I got to visit Mecca this past week (i.e, Aggieland) and it was good. I mean, so good I wanna be friends with it.

    Having lived all over the US of A, I disagree with the generalization that Midwesterners are nicer/friendlier than Texans. That may be true in your little spot of KC vs. the pit that is Planet Houston, but pound for pound, give me a country infiltrated with Aggies and you can’t help but feel the love ooze throughout.

    That being said, I’m still looking forward to making it up your way for some White Castles.

  2. AJF

    Brian-it’s so good to see you come to a mature understanding such as this. Soon enough you will come to understand that even “Aggieland” is no match for KC and the greater Midwest.

    There’s no place like home…there’s no place like home…there’s no place like home…

  3. Phantom495

    Okay, okay, a little sanity to this dialogue!! AJF clearly has no understanding of Aggieland, and Texas is NOT A HOLE! Houston, yes, and parts of the panhandle, yes, but Texas as a whole is not a hole! As far as congeniality and friendliness, yes I will admit that the midwest has very friendly people, even as friendly as Texas, but don’t for one minute believe that the midwest people are “more friendly” than Texans! I admit that Houston sucks, but KC will never be as great as Texas!! Viva Tejas! There really is no place like home, and none of us have reached there yet! Not until Glory! We are all sojourners in a foreign land…

  4. AJF

    As I see it, Texans are incapable of seeing themselves the way the rest of the country, or world sees them. To a Texan bragging about Texas seems a perfectly natural thing to do. From early grade school Texans are propagandized with a theme summarized by the phrase ‘Texas Proud’ instead of learning the many academic disciplines the rest of civilization studies. To a non-Texan, particularly a Yankee, like myself, Texas Pride can seem a bit delusional if not sad. Few Texans seem to understand that it is their ‘Texas Pride’ which provokes most of the Texas Bashing.

    It is good to see one Texan, Mr. Hough, come to such a startling place of reflection and confession.

  5. Phantom495

    To AJF- Whatever dude! What about the “Yankee pride” exhibited by so many? Well, anyways… Beat the hell outta t.u.!!!

  6. AJF

    “whatever dude” = good Texas comeback…

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